Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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