There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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