I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
