Me too!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
