dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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