My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
