um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
