so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
