I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
