I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
