I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
