His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
