tell your sister to shave her snatch
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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