you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize