god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
