i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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