Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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