You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
