Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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