I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
