i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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