why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize