If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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