u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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