I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
