I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
