Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Green mimosas i think yes
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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