Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
