i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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