I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
