Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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