Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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