oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
