I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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