my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
