just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize