she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Found the puke drawer
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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