A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
