'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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