I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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