I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
