I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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