this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
