I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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