I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
