WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just found a bag of teeth...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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