dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You left your underwear on the fireplace
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
