His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
