everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Randomize
