Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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