so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
