Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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