I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
