I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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