I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
