you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
