Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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